A Convenient Lie
by Not A Stranger
Summary: A Five comes to grips with his past.


For the record, I always thought New Caprica was a lousy idea, both the planet and the joke of a peace agreement between cylons and humans. I spent most of the time wishing the humans had found another planet to colonize, or at least had kept running, letting us stay on the comfort of our ships while we chased them across the galaxy. New Caprica was cold, muddy, and the whole place stunk. Not that our arrival improved the scenery – then again, the detention center wasn't meant to be a pleasant building.

I was walking along one of the interrogation hallways when I saw her through the two-way mirror. I can't remember what I was on my way to do. I just remember seeing her in profile, her dark hair in her eyes. A Three was hovering over her, arms crossed in a domineering stance.

I recognized her instantly because it was the last face I saw before I died.

--

I'm a Five, but I used to be a microbiologist named Caspar Millen. I was _never_ Aaron Doral – that was a different copy. I was a sleeper agent, designed to unknowingly infect humanity with a powerful virus. My plan never came to fruition, but to be fair, most of our plans didn't. It only takes one Six to cause catastrophic thermonuclear destruction, as One was often fond of pointing out.

I was working on a research vessel, the Chiron, the last few months before the Second War. We were researching various diseases at the cellular level. I was the new guy and didn't hang out much with my colleagues socially. I wonder if on some level I knew I was different; I think at the time I was too introverted to care.

That changed when Adia joined our lab. She was a sweet girl, shy but not standoffish. She asked me for help one day with a particular assay. I walked her through the steps and then she thanked me with a warm smile. I felt myself blushing. She was cute in an unconventional sort of way. She kept her hair short but always had a sparkly clip in it to keep the bangs out of her eyes. I found excuses to share her workstation, and soon we were having lunch together in the cafeteria and watching our favorite movies on my laptop.

I still don't know what she saw in me. It's not like microbiologists are a glamorous bunch but there were more handsome men on the ship with fuller heads of hair. She always had a smile for me, or a silly joke. I asked her once what her name meant. "Gods' gift," she replied. "Is 'to men' your middle name?" I joked, and she laughed and laughed.

On her birthday, I had a bouquet of tulips, her favorite flower, delivered to her quarters. I spent most of the morning sweaty and nervous. Was I being too forward? What if she just wanted to be friends? But when she saw me later that day, I knew she returned my feelings, even before she impulsively leaned in and kissed me.

A week later, the colonies exploded.

Chiron was en route, and thus spared. Everyone on board watched the communication link in horror. Most of us were too young to remember the first cylon war, but we had heard the stories. Our ship had minimal defenses, and our armed guard, a portly fellow, patrolled the halls nervously. I don't think he'd ever had to use his gun.

A military vessel was due to intercept us soon. We all gathered in the entertainment room, an emergency newsfeed playing on the large flatscreen television. I stayed by the door, anxiously waiting for Adia to join me. Her family was on one of the outlying colonies; no word about them had been released yet. I think she went to the ladies room to be sick.

The reporter on the screen managed to keep his composure as he delivered the devastating news. The colonies defenses were infiltrated, allowing the massive cylon forces to move in and destroy everything. The president was dead – so was most of his cabinet. And then the reporter said something strange: some of the cylons looked like humans. They were clones.

A photograph appeared in the screen. It was me. This man, the reporter announced, was a cylon. And there were many copies.

A voice whispered in my head, _Run_.

I darted out of the door and took off down the hall, terrified. How could I be a cylon? How could that man on the screen have the same face as me?

How long did I have before they caught me?

Adia was at the end of the hall, walking towards me. "Cas? What's wrong?" She looked at me worriedly as I froze in front of her. She took my hand. "Sweetie, you're shaking." My throat went dry. I could hear the commotion from the entertainment room.

The security guard stepped out of his office, across from us. He blinked at me, and I knew he had seen the news, too. I reached out, grabbed his gun from his holster and pointed it at Adia's head in one fluid motion. "Stand back or I'll frakkin' kill her!" I yelled, pulling her against me and cocking the pistol.

It all happened so fast. It was like I was on automatic pilot. The guard took a step back and I dragged Adia down the hall into a nearby lab. I shut the door behind us and slammed my elbow into a glass panel. The lab held infectious diseases – the emergency panel caused an automatic lockdown. It would take a complex series of failsafe procedures to get the door open again.

I heard Adia whimper and immediately put the gun down. "Oh gods, oh gods," I stammered, holding her at arm's length. "Adia, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to – are you hurt?"

She stared at me, more confused than afraid. "Cas, what's going on? Why are you doing this?"

There was a lot of noise on the other side of the door. The military ship would be here soon. "They think I'm a cylon," I whispered, afraid to look her in the eye.

I half-expected her to pull away, but she just shook her head. "But… I mean, that's impossible. You're not a cylon." I looked away. "Cas?" I heard her swallow hard. "This must just be a big misunderstanding. I'll tell them you're not bad."

"Let Ms. Costas go and the military won't shoot, Mr. Millen," a voice said over the loudspeaker. I think it was the captain.

_Don't let them take you_, the voice in my head whispered. _They'll take you apart_.

"I'm sorry," I exhaled weakly. I hugged Adia tightly, then kissed her as tenderly as I could, as if that would forgive everything.

Then I picked up the gun and shot myself in the head.

--

I hadn't given my old life much thought until I saw her again. Resurrection does that do you. Unlike the Eight they called Boomer, I shrugged off my old life easily. Humans were pathetic, nasty things. It didn't matter that I once thought I was one. It was just a lie, a disguise. I was disappointed in myself for my plan not succeeding, however. Aside from Aaron, Fives didn't get that much respect, but at least we were better than the humans. Although after getting bogged down in the ridiculous mistake that was New Caprica, I was starting to wonder.

I watched Adia through the two-way mirror for a few minutes while I looked up her information in the database. She was brought in because of the latest resistance assault. She wasn't a suspect, but she was being pressed for possible information. I could tell from her body language that she didn't know anything, and I could tell from Three's that she knew and didn't care. This was just about intimidation.

I walked into the interrogation room and Adia looked up at me. To her credit, she didn't gawk or flinch, but she had probably seen enough Fives walking around to be desensitized. She was paler than I remembered, and her hair had grown out. Her fingernails were broken and dirty.

"Can I see you outside for a minute?" I asked Three. I kept my expression carefully neutral.

She followed me out and shut the door. "What is it?" She asked, annoyed, like I had ruined her fun. "I'm not done interrogating Ms. Costas."

"Ms. Costas doesn't know anything," I replied. "Besides, these rooms are in short supply. Especially considering how fond your sisters are of rounding up random people in the hopes one of them will know something."

Three glared at me, then sniffed. "I didn't know you were such a champion for the poor, innocent humans."

I rolled my eyes. "Just clear out the space, all right? Go file the paperwork and I'll show her out." Three grumbled a little but didn't argue. I walked back into the interrogation room. Adia was staring at her hands.

"Ms. Costas? Follow me, please." She stood up but hesitated, and I sighed. "You've been dismissed from questioning. I'm going to show you out."

She walked silently with me along the maze of corridors. I didn't look at her, afraid my mask of polite disdain would crumble. She looked up at me a few times. Once we reached the main doors, she cleared her throat. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," I replied, mockingly magnanimous, while my stomach dropped.

We stepped outside into the cloudy afternoon. "I knew one of you once. A Five. His name was Caspar Millen." Her words came out stilted, half-whispered. "Do you know what happened to him?"

"Caspar died," I replied quickly, maybe too quickly. I was surprised at my honestly.

"Oh. But…" I turned towards her and nearly flinched at the hope in her eyes. "You reincarnate, don't you?"

"That's none of your concern," I snapped. "Question time is over, go back to your quarters." I pushed her forward, more roughly than I intended, and she tripped and fell into the dirt. Cylon and human eyes turned to stare at me and for the first time ever, I felt like a monster. "Sorry," I said, less sincerely than I felt, and reached down to help her up.

Adia slapped my hand away. "Don't touch me!" She yelled, her face red under the streaks of dirt. More eyes turned to look and I felt myself starting to sweat. A Centurion brought up its rifle questioningly but I held up a hand and it returned to a more passive stance. A couple of humans stepped forward and helped Adia up, glaring daggers at me the entire time. Adia didn't look back at me, but I'm pretty sure she was crying.

I was still thinking about her when Commander Adama returned and rescued the humans. It was almost a relief; we could go back to chasing them across the stars and hating one another as usual. I did wonder if Adia had made it off New Caprica safely, but I tried to keep those thoughts to myself. I did not need a One breathing down my neck, especially once our own Civil war started. Just between the Fives, we blamed all that time spent with the humans. It contaminated us – fractured us just like it had fractured them.

It was a convenient lie.

The revelations in our final days left me in a daze. Our creators, the final five, were not only real, but siding with the dissidents. There was no more resurrection. I suspect One had lost his mind at that point, parking us on top of a black hole, but it was too late to argue. I boarded Galactica, a simple foot soldier, no better than a Centurion. That was fine with me -- I was tired of thinking.

Somebody shot me in the side and I collapsed behind a stack of barrels. It hurt a lot more this time than when I shot myself in the head. I pressed a hand to the wound and wondered if I would bleed out first, or be found and shot again.

The whole ship shook. We had jumped. I opened my eyes and a Six was standing over me, a gun pointed at my head. I waited for her to fire, but she didn't pull the trigger. "Who won?" I croaked, barely able to talk through the pain.

She didn't say anything, just kneeled down and started dressing my wound. "Don't bother," I hissed through clenched teeth. "They'll just shove me out an airlock later."

"You were Caspar Millen," She replied. I must have gasped, because she looked up briefly and smiled. "I was there when you resurrected."

I slumped back. "Impressive memory," I sighed, my eyes shutting.

"You were easy to remember. Most Fives resurrected like they were waking up from a nap. You were crying. You said she'd never forgive you."

I didn't remember that. Six hummed a little and I felt something something sharp poke me in the arm. "This will take the pain away. I'll see you when you wake up."

--

When I woke up, I was still positive I was going to be thrown out of an airlock, but it didn't happen. Six explained things to her sisters, and then to the rest of the cylons, and then the humans. I stayed in bed for several days while I healed. Finally, I mustered what little courage I had and asked Six if Adia had survived.

She had. I threw away the razor I had hidden from the nurses. I wouldn't need it.

On a sunny morning on this new Earth, I followed Six's directions to a pond surrounded by tall grass. I saw Adia before she saw me. She was washing clothes, her long hair pulled back in a ponytail, her skin tan and healthy.

She looked up and nearly fell back into the water. She walked towards me as if I were a mirage and would disappear at any moment. Inches away, she stopped. "Cas?" She whispered, searching my face with her gaze.

I locked her eyes with mine, not knowing what to say. "Miss me?" I asked, smiling weakly.

Her face twisted into an expression of fury and she launched herself at me, slamming my chest with her fists. I shouldn't have been so surprised at her reaction, but I fell backwards anyway. She kept hitting me, screaming obscenities until I grabbed her wrists. I was laughing, unable to keep the smile from my face, my heart bursting over having her in my arms again, even if she was pummeling me.

She stopped struggling and collapsed against me. "Frak you," she sobbed into my chest. I sat up and wrapped my arms around her. The wind whispered pleasantly through the grass while I rocked her gently.

After a little while, she pulled back to wipe at her eyes. I handed her a handkerchief and her sobs turned to weak laughter as she wiped her face. "Yes," she said finally, drying her eyes.

"Yes what?" I asked, still grinning like an idiot.

"Yes, I missed you," she replied, hitting me again -- not nearly as hard, thankfully. "You really are my Caspar, aren't you."

"Always." I leaned in and kissed her. It wasn't quite the truth -- Caspar Millen really did die -- but it wasn't a lie, either.

Not when I wanted I so badly wanted to believe it.


End file.
